How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Semen is not good for contacts.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
