How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
