All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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