Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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