i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
