He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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