my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
