If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
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