my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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