You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
