You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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