if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
