I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize