His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
