Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
