I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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