my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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