I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
