fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
