i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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