You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
