Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My vagina just clenched in fear
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