I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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