They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
