god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
