i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
