Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
