I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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