An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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