Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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