They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You need a sexual gate keeper
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize