saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
