dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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