bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
So squirting runs in the family.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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