Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
