grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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