I faked an abortion last night.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
