i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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