I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
