Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
