Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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