Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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