then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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