Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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