I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
