ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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