I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
