My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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