Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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