My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
