She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
