dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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