I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
