And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
