Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We have so much sex to catch up on
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
