did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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