Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
