a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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