Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
